When I started making this blog, my goal was to be able to look back at my life and see all the negative vices that have attempted to throw me off. By doing so, I would remember God's faithfulness. Instead, I write today not about exterior circumstances that have plotted against me from the outside, but of interior and more deadly.
So often I can look at the world from a perspective of me as the white knight on a horse, and the world as all the tree trunks that get in my way. In reality, it is quite the opposite. So often I find that my greatest enemy is myself. My sins, my faults, my shortcomings. My temper, my selfishness. The list could go on and on. Most certainly, the very last thing I should be worried of is what the world throws my way! Indeed, I should be far more concerned with the toxic waste that is my heart and mind. I'm reminded of these verses:
Jeremiah 17:9, "The heart is deceitful above all things."
Romans 17:8, "For I know that no good dwells in me, my flesh.."
Eph. 2:3 "We were children of wrath by nature"
Our greatest enemy is the sin that lies within us. Not the devil, not other people, and most certainly not exterior circumstances. It is a battle we should be well equipped for and ready to fight every waking hour.
The quote my blog was named after says, "He who has a why to live can bear most any how." My reason for living is to glorify God. Can God really accomplish my purpose through the "how" that is my sin?
The very best we can do is desperately pray for God's mercy, redemption, and healing.
I will be doing that much today.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
"Det up, Bear"
Suddenly saddened by the truth that Saturday the 14th, 2009 was my last Valentines Day with the family, I rushed out of the house. I was on my way to the Mothership for college kids, homeless people, and moms all over the country: WalMart. The only place that was open at such a late hour. My mission was to surprise my family with a Valentine's Day Brunch when they woke up. As I somewhat groggily rolled the buggy up and down the aisles, I grabbed anything pink or red. My vision of the next morning grew more elaborate withe every new item I threw in the buggy. I could just see Gracie's face as she saw all the balloons and food.
One hour turned into two, and my eyes became heavy. Before I realized it, it was three am. Just before I decided I had enough, a familiar voice said hello. I recognized it right away. It was Professor Brasher. If it had not been for my uncanny fashion sense, I would not had been embarrassed. But there is something not right about standing in front of a grown man wearing Victoria's Secret pants that may or may not show your underwear through them. My hair was a mess, I had no makeup on, and I was wearing uggs. Perfect. I'm sure my face was a little red.
After that slightly awkward run in, I decided it was time to leave.
The rest of my night was followed by setting the table, hanging streamers, and painfully blowing around thirty balloons. As I sat on the floor with my legs sprawled grasping for my last breath of air that would be blown into the last balloon, I closed my eyes. I almost fell asleep right there on the floor. It was five am.
I woke up to Gracie's voice. "Happy Vat'nines Day, Bear. Det up." I smelled bacon. It then hit me. The food was already made. My morning brunch didn't go exactly as planned, but I think they still enjoyed it. Casey came later and we took Gracie to the park. She's growing up faster than we all think. She wasn't interesting in the playground much - she wanted to hang out with Casey and me. Time for the teenage years, I suppose.
Casey and I went to Starbucks later and it was great. We were laughing and cutting up - just like we were when we first started dating. We have both been stressed lately so it was good to get out by ourselves and drink our favorite mocha. I love him.
He had to work later, but I had my evening planned already. Savannah time! I drove straight from starbucks to her house. We had planned to see "The Crucible." Once we got to the play we were having such a good conversation that we sat in the car until we felt it was time to go in. Then we saw several people waiting near the ticket booth trying to get in. We ourselves didn't want to see it that badly, so we sold back our tickets and went to Little Cucci's. It was a time of talking, encouraging, being honest with each other, and laughing. We also continue to be amazing at how similar we are, and how similar our spouses are. Funny how God works. We visited Casey and Ben (I got two hugs!) and were off to see "Seven Pounds." I loved that movie. She hated it.
When we finally made it back to her house, we decided to put in the tape of her wedding. I can't wait for mine! I got to see Casey give his speech and it was adorable. <3
Yesterday I woke up and called Casey to remind him it was Sunday School day. He sounded half asleep! I asked him if he knew what today was, and he said, "Saturday?" Ugh! He had slept in. He said he'd be there in twenty minutes. Because I knew he would be late, I decided I'd sleep in too.
As it turns out, he was just kidding. He came into my room about three minutes later. The nerve! =)
Sunday school was good - Casey finally answered a question and gave a thought. He said that people should look at things they need to fix in themselves through marriage and do it, not ignore it. I was proud. And although we still haven't opened our Bibles, yesterday's topic was about conforming to Christ through marriage. It was good.
We had another date at Panera afterwards, and when we returned home, Bob asked me to go with him to pick out a ring for Claire. I was happy! I drove with him to the mall and we went to Kay Jewelers. We saw a couple we liked but decided to visit the other, more expensive places. When we learned exactly how rare it was to find prices that were in our budget, we made our way back to Kay. =) The ring he picked was very pretty. Casey came to but mysteriously left while we were browsing. As it turns out, he had gone to buy me a surprise. As Bob and I were leaving the mall, he called and told me to wait at the door for him so he could give it to me. =) I'm wearing the surprise right now.
Since I thought "Seven Pounds" was so good, I took Bob and Casey to see it as well. After a short stop to Dollar Tree to get candy to smuggle in, we were at the theater. It was good even the second time around.
Babysat Isabella that night. I had to drive another women home as well, who told me of homeopathic medicine. Perhaps Casey and I should look into that. Isabella and I arrived to her house and she showed me her hamsters. She is precious. =) We played games, read the Bible, and stayed up a little too late =) When I said her goodnight prayers, I was surprised. She not only prayed longer than I did, but she prayed for an array of people, including Janet. It was very encouraging. I want my kids to pray like her.
After getting lost trying to get home, I finally made it to bed. I am now at work and have just planned another lunch date with Amber and Eric at Thai 99. Casey is working and hasn't texted yet. I'm a little overwhelmed with life right now, but God is good.
Casey and I are still trying to decide many things. We have a lady calling us about signing a lease on a house and although we would hate to lose the house, we are hesitant to sign due to the fact we have no clue if we'll be in Lynchburg or not. At Panera we tossed around many possible scenarios, from working in Lynchburg, to volunteering in PA, to living in Ireland. So many options. Lord, give us wisdom!
I need to be focusing more on my grades, as Dad reminded me last night. So hard to do when I'm so distracted. My life right now feels like a million balls tossed in the air, all waiting to come right down on my head.
Casey texted me finally. He slept in and missed his shift - for real this time. I told him I felt dumb as well, because today the Bible Drive started and I forgot all about it. Buck put a couple boxes out for me, but it wasn't much. They don't even have signs. I'll do better tomorrow.
Prayer request would be for wisdom, for guidance, and for a clear pathway for Casey and I. It would also be for Ben and Savannah as they are also trying to figure out whether to go to FL or not. Dad and Mom need encouragement, and especially Bob. Bob has been down lately. Buck needs guidance as to what career path to take. Ashley Neal needs the prayer of contentment anew everyday. Dr. Kelly needs the joy of the Lord in a fresh way as well as the strength of the Lord.
Lord, thank you for being so great. I can't fathom why you choose to save me, but you do. I am so grateful for that. Fill me with you, Lord. Make me into the person you want me to be, no matter what that means. I lift up all the prayer request I just mentioned. I love you.
Amen.
One hour turned into two, and my eyes became heavy. Before I realized it, it was three am. Just before I decided I had enough, a familiar voice said hello. I recognized it right away. It was Professor Brasher. If it had not been for my uncanny fashion sense, I would not had been embarrassed. But there is something not right about standing in front of a grown man wearing Victoria's Secret pants that may or may not show your underwear through them. My hair was a mess, I had no makeup on, and I was wearing uggs. Perfect. I'm sure my face was a little red.
After that slightly awkward run in, I decided it was time to leave.
The rest of my night was followed by setting the table, hanging streamers, and painfully blowing around thirty balloons. As I sat on the floor with my legs sprawled grasping for my last breath of air that would be blown into the last balloon, I closed my eyes. I almost fell asleep right there on the floor. It was five am.
I woke up to Gracie's voice. "Happy Vat'nines Day, Bear. Det up." I smelled bacon. It then hit me. The food was already made. My morning brunch didn't go exactly as planned, but I think they still enjoyed it. Casey came later and we took Gracie to the park. She's growing up faster than we all think. She wasn't interesting in the playground much - she wanted to hang out with Casey and me. Time for the teenage years, I suppose.
Casey and I went to Starbucks later and it was great. We were laughing and cutting up - just like we were when we first started dating. We have both been stressed lately so it was good to get out by ourselves and drink our favorite mocha. I love him.
He had to work later, but I had my evening planned already. Savannah time! I drove straight from starbucks to her house. We had planned to see "The Crucible." Once we got to the play we were having such a good conversation that we sat in the car until we felt it was time to go in. Then we saw several people waiting near the ticket booth trying to get in. We ourselves didn't want to see it that badly, so we sold back our tickets and went to Little Cucci's. It was a time of talking, encouraging, being honest with each other, and laughing. We also continue to be amazing at how similar we are, and how similar our spouses are. Funny how God works. We visited Casey and Ben (I got two hugs!) and were off to see "Seven Pounds." I loved that movie. She hated it.
When we finally made it back to her house, we decided to put in the tape of her wedding. I can't wait for mine! I got to see Casey give his speech and it was adorable. <3
Yesterday I woke up and called Casey to remind him it was Sunday School day. He sounded half asleep! I asked him if he knew what today was, and he said, "Saturday?" Ugh! He had slept in. He said he'd be there in twenty minutes. Because I knew he would be late, I decided I'd sleep in too.
As it turns out, he was just kidding. He came into my room about three minutes later. The nerve! =)
Sunday school was good - Casey finally answered a question and gave a thought. He said that people should look at things they need to fix in themselves through marriage and do it, not ignore it. I was proud. And although we still haven't opened our Bibles, yesterday's topic was about conforming to Christ through marriage. It was good.
We had another date at Panera afterwards, and when we returned home, Bob asked me to go with him to pick out a ring for Claire. I was happy! I drove with him to the mall and we went to Kay Jewelers. We saw a couple we liked but decided to visit the other, more expensive places. When we learned exactly how rare it was to find prices that were in our budget, we made our way back to Kay. =) The ring he picked was very pretty. Casey came to but mysteriously left while we were browsing. As it turns out, he had gone to buy me a surprise. As Bob and I were leaving the mall, he called and told me to wait at the door for him so he could give it to me. =) I'm wearing the surprise right now.
Since I thought "Seven Pounds" was so good, I took Bob and Casey to see it as well. After a short stop to Dollar Tree to get candy to smuggle in, we were at the theater. It was good even the second time around.
Babysat Isabella that night. I had to drive another women home as well, who told me of homeopathic medicine. Perhaps Casey and I should look into that. Isabella and I arrived to her house and she showed me her hamsters. She is precious. =) We played games, read the Bible, and stayed up a little too late =) When I said her goodnight prayers, I was surprised. She not only prayed longer than I did, but she prayed for an array of people, including Janet. It was very encouraging. I want my kids to pray like her.
After getting lost trying to get home, I finally made it to bed. I am now at work and have just planned another lunch date with Amber and Eric at Thai 99. Casey is working and hasn't texted yet. I'm a little overwhelmed with life right now, but God is good.
Casey and I are still trying to decide many things. We have a lady calling us about signing a lease on a house and although we would hate to lose the house, we are hesitant to sign due to the fact we have no clue if we'll be in Lynchburg or not. At Panera we tossed around many possible scenarios, from working in Lynchburg, to volunteering in PA, to living in Ireland. So many options. Lord, give us wisdom!
I need to be focusing more on my grades, as Dad reminded me last night. So hard to do when I'm so distracted. My life right now feels like a million balls tossed in the air, all waiting to come right down on my head.
Casey texted me finally. He slept in and missed his shift - for real this time. I told him I felt dumb as well, because today the Bible Drive started and I forgot all about it. Buck put a couple boxes out for me, but it wasn't much. They don't even have signs. I'll do better tomorrow.
Prayer request would be for wisdom, for guidance, and for a clear pathway for Casey and I. It would also be for Ben and Savannah as they are also trying to figure out whether to go to FL or not. Dad and Mom need encouragement, and especially Bob. Bob has been down lately. Buck needs guidance as to what career path to take. Ashley Neal needs the prayer of contentment anew everyday. Dr. Kelly needs the joy of the Lord in a fresh way as well as the strength of the Lord.
Lord, thank you for being so great. I can't fathom why you choose to save me, but you do. I am so grateful for that. Fill me with you, Lord. Make me into the person you want me to be, no matter what that means. I lift up all the prayer request I just mentioned. I love you.
Amen.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
It Worked!
The deep tissue massage helped! It was adorable. Casey was so excited to go. I woke up a little early this morning so that I could see him before he left. When I got to the office, all I could think about was how it felt and whether he was liking it or not. When he finally called, he said it was great and that his back was not in any pain. Finally!
I was proud of Casey today - he had an idea Jay loved about having an LU credit score. He's a smart un'.
Valentines day - perfect.
I got myself all spruced up the night of the 11th. It' s not often that I put on my little black dress, curled my hair, and even wear the heels that make my back hurt. I was getting a little nervous as I waited, and as soon as he knocked on the door my heart stopped. I looked up. He was wearing his green button up shirt and holding roses and chocolate. I melted. After he had taken a couple of minutes writing something poetic and romantic on the card (it ended up saying, "I love you more than steak"), we were off to Texas Steakhouse. We had to wait a while for our food to get there, and we were both eager to "open presents." So we went ahead and exchanged them =) I did well this year! He loved the massage.
I think the biggest surprise was my ring, though. As he gave me the box from across the table, my eyes widened. I was familiar to the style - it was the fourth Friedman's box I had received. I didn't blink once as my hands opened it from the front. My anticipation was quickly followed by disappointed. There was no ring! I should have known better, though. Right as I begin to question the situation, I noticed the sly smile Casey was trying to hide. It was on his finger - and it was gorgeous.
We had a fun time taking pictures and talking. Eventually we decided to go to the barn we had taken pictures at months before. When we got there, I made him close his eyes. I then went back to the trunk and pulled out his violin that had been waiting to be held by its owner. When I showed it to him, he automatically started to try and play it. To our dismay, no sound came out. We spent a few moments trying to figure out what we were doing wrong. He gently tried to reassure me that it was alright, we'd take it back. I was still upset though.
We then went home to the family. Our bellies were full and our hearts were flying. I was relieved that this year was not even close to being comparable to last. I got into my "frumpy clothes" and we just relaxed for the rest of the evening. Wonderful.
Last night was also fun. We decided to rent a movie, and after half an hour at Hollywood, we decided on "Along Came a Spider." My heart sank when I remembered that I didn't have my card, but right at the last minute, Casey remembered I had my worker ID. It was like a scene from James Bond - he looked at me quickly, grabbed the card from the pulley it was attached to and said, "Here...we've got the card." =)
When we finally got back home, he laid on the couch and I pulled the reclining chair beside him. This was a position I hope to use again in the future. Much more comfortable than trying to squeeze on the couch =) He liked the movie, too. We're hoping that we'll like the second movie we rented, "The Frighteners" just as much. I say, it is doubtful. I can always blame Casey if it stinks though. He's known for picking the good ones, like Grizzly Park. *cough cough*
Dad came by to see my office today. He didn't much appreciate my telling everyone he looked like Elvis.
Right now I think I weigh about three more pounds than I normally do. I ate Applebees with Eric Viets and Amber Short. It was wonderful! God used even that conversation to draw me into a deeper understanding of who He is. I hope we will make a routine out of our Friday lunch, however I do not wish to make a routine of ordering a hamburger taco. My size sixes would not appreciate it much, I don't think =)
We continue to pray for our potential move. We are listening for God's voice continually.
Work beckons.
I was proud of Casey today - he had an idea Jay loved about having an LU credit score. He's a smart un'.
Valentines day - perfect.
I got myself all spruced up the night of the 11th. It' s not often that I put on my little black dress, curled my hair, and even wear the heels that make my back hurt. I was getting a little nervous as I waited, and as soon as he knocked on the door my heart stopped. I looked up. He was wearing his green button up shirt and holding roses and chocolate. I melted. After he had taken a couple of minutes writing something poetic and romantic on the card (it ended up saying, "I love you more than steak"), we were off to Texas Steakhouse. We had to wait a while for our food to get there, and we were both eager to "open presents." So we went ahead and exchanged them =) I did well this year! He loved the massage.
I think the biggest surprise was my ring, though. As he gave me the box from across the table, my eyes widened. I was familiar to the style - it was the fourth Friedman's box I had received. I didn't blink once as my hands opened it from the front. My anticipation was quickly followed by disappointed. There was no ring! I should have known better, though. Right as I begin to question the situation, I noticed the sly smile Casey was trying to hide. It was on his finger - and it was gorgeous.
We had a fun time taking pictures and talking. Eventually we decided to go to the barn we had taken pictures at months before. When we got there, I made him close his eyes. I then went back to the trunk and pulled out his violin that had been waiting to be held by its owner. When I showed it to him, he automatically started to try and play it. To our dismay, no sound came out. We spent a few moments trying to figure out what we were doing wrong. He gently tried to reassure me that it was alright, we'd take it back. I was still upset though.
We then went home to the family. Our bellies were full and our hearts were flying. I was relieved that this year was not even close to being comparable to last. I got into my "frumpy clothes" and we just relaxed for the rest of the evening. Wonderful.
Last night was also fun. We decided to rent a movie, and after half an hour at Hollywood, we decided on "Along Came a Spider." My heart sank when I remembered that I didn't have my card, but right at the last minute, Casey remembered I had my worker ID. It was like a scene from James Bond - he looked at me quickly, grabbed the card from the pulley it was attached to and said, "Here...we've got the card." =)
When we finally got back home, he laid on the couch and I pulled the reclining chair beside him. This was a position I hope to use again in the future. Much more comfortable than trying to squeeze on the couch =) He liked the movie, too. We're hoping that we'll like the second movie we rented, "The Frighteners" just as much. I say, it is doubtful. I can always blame Casey if it stinks though. He's known for picking the good ones, like Grizzly Park. *cough cough*
Dad came by to see my office today. He didn't much appreciate my telling everyone he looked like Elvis.
Right now I think I weigh about three more pounds than I normally do. I ate Applebees with Eric Viets and Amber Short. It was wonderful! God used even that conversation to draw me into a deeper understanding of who He is. I hope we will make a routine out of our Friday lunch, however I do not wish to make a routine of ordering a hamburger taco. My size sixes would not appreciate it much, I don't think =)
We continue to pray for our potential move. We are listening for God's voice continually.
Work beckons.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Valentine's Day and Somerset, PA
Casey and I are celebrating Valentine's day today. We didn't feel like squeezing time for us in between Domino's runs this weekend, so we're off to get dinner tonight.
He doesn't know this yet, but I bought him a violin. He's been wanting to play one since he was three, according to Connie. I have been picturing his face when he sees it ever since I got it. I hope he will be surprised - that boy is too clever and normally figures out everything before I even come up with it.
Casey and I had an interview yesterday. It was very random, actually. I had to do homework for my Bible 350 class, but I brought the wrong book with me. I was upset that I had to go all the way across the street in the cold to get the right book, but decided I needed a good grade. I was just stepping into the bookstore when I saw tables set out in DeMoss. Camp Ministry booths! This was great. I stopped and talked to a couple of people about their camps but no one was hiring full time. Disheartened and almost at the end of my search, I was directed to a table called, "Teen Quest." And older couple was standing at either ends of the hall. I approached them and we began talking about the ministry. It sounded amazing! They ran a camp, took missions trips, and wanted to start a Bible institute. This was far too up the alley of Casey and me to ignore. I called and told Casey about it and he met with them as well. This eventually led to us leaving class early to go to the Wingate, a hotel near Liberty. We met with Debbie and Mark for an hour and a half, telling them our past experiences and future goals. Casey kept squeezing my hand very tightly; I could tell we were both a bit nervous. I couldn't help glancing at Casey every few seconds - he looked so amazing in his white button up shirt and gelled hair. I admired everything that was coming out of his mouth, right down to his occasional "ums" and "uhs." God had truly been preparing us both for ministry before we even met each other, and now here we were interviewing for a job that could take us in a million different directions. In the end, we shook hands and decided we'd have to take a weekend visit to the camp. We'll see how it goes! Casey and I are officially two potential Somerset residents =) Who knows what God will do.
Now, off to celebrate with my love.
He doesn't know this yet, but I bought him a violin. He's been wanting to play one since he was three, according to Connie. I have been picturing his face when he sees it ever since I got it. I hope he will be surprised - that boy is too clever and normally figures out everything before I even come up with it.
Casey and I had an interview yesterday. It was very random, actually. I had to do homework for my Bible 350 class, but I brought the wrong book with me. I was upset that I had to go all the way across the street in the cold to get the right book, but decided I needed a good grade. I was just stepping into the bookstore when I saw tables set out in DeMoss. Camp Ministry booths! This was great. I stopped and talked to a couple of people about their camps but no one was hiring full time. Disheartened and almost at the end of my search, I was directed to a table called, "Teen Quest." And older couple was standing at either ends of the hall. I approached them and we began talking about the ministry. It sounded amazing! They ran a camp, took missions trips, and wanted to start a Bible institute. This was far too up the alley of Casey and me to ignore. I called and told Casey about it and he met with them as well. This eventually led to us leaving class early to go to the Wingate, a hotel near Liberty. We met with Debbie and Mark for an hour and a half, telling them our past experiences and future goals. Casey kept squeezing my hand very tightly; I could tell we were both a bit nervous. I couldn't help glancing at Casey every few seconds - he looked so amazing in his white button up shirt and gelled hair. I admired everything that was coming out of his mouth, right down to his occasional "ums" and "uhs." God had truly been preparing us both for ministry before we even met each other, and now here we were interviewing for a job that could take us in a million different directions. In the end, we shook hands and decided we'd have to take a weekend visit to the camp. We'll see how it goes! Casey and I are officially two potential Somerset residents =) Who knows what God will do.
Now, off to celebrate with my love.
The Lord is Good
January: Spent New Year's in Richmond
February: Broke up with Casey
March: Went on Spring Break with King's Players
April: Got together with Casey again
May: Spent time at home and prepared for tour
June: Time on tour was both incredible and incredibly hard
July: Came back home - got engaged
August-December: Planned wedding, got fired and hired, spent time with family
It was not nearly as dull as it seems. 2008 will be remembered as one of the most important years of my life. I felt impassable anger, heartache, indescribable happiness, and the love of God's hand stirring the shallow waters of my life.
I always used to wonder why adults dread birthdays so much. It seemed absurd that any human would want to be young again. Now I find myself at the age of twenty and desperately holding onto to every minute I'm given. I'd like to think that I am still young, and in some aspects, I know I am. But life is certainly passing me by much more quickly than I had planned. If I had the choice, I would start the whole thing over again, right from the beginning.
Yet, at the same time, there is a quiet calmness inside me that says I'm where I need to be. In the end, I wouldn't change where I am at for anything. This year I will be getting married and possibly moving away from my family. The new life I will be starting with Casey is full of unknowns and packed with uncertainty. It is a step I cannot wait to take.
The Lord is good.
Carrie
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